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Funny Diet Tips and Jokes
Calories, Carbs and Cravings Are Out To Get Us.
Let's Laugh the Pounds Away.

We've tried them all, the Atkins diet, the grapefruit diet, Weight Watchers, South Beach, even the cabbage soup diet. And what did they do for us? If these diet gimmicks actually worked, they would be a bargain. We would be happy to pay hundreds of dollars for fees, books, diet pills and custom groceries. But we've tried them all, we've thrown a lot of money at the problem, and we're still looking for a miracle diet.

So while we're hunting around for the next best thing, let's give the Surfer Sam diet a try. The approach is simple. Just laugh the pounds away. Whenever the refrigerator calls out to you, put it on hold while you tune in here to Surfer Sam. See, you're laughing already! Shake your belly and your booty with humor and jokes. That's why they're called "belly laughs."

Why are you even worried about dieting? I think you're perfect just the way you are.
Funny Diet Tips and Jokes

T’was the month after Christmas,
When all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
Not even a blouse!

The cookies I nibble,
The eggnog I taste...
At the holiday parties,
Have gone to my waist!

I remember the marvelous
Meals all prepared:
The gravies and sauces,
The beef "nicely rared".

The wine and the rum balls,
The bread and the cheese,
And how sweetly I said,
Yes, seconds here, please.

As I dressed myself
In my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again
To do battle with dirt,

I said to myself
(as only I can),
"You can't spend a winter
Disguised as a MAN"!

So, away with the last
Of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake,
Every cracker and chip!

Every last bit of food
That I like must be banished,
'Til all of the extra
"Ounces" have vanished!

I won't eat a cookie,
Not even a lick!
I'll just have to chew
On a celery stick!

I won't have hot biscuits,
Or corn bread or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot,
And quietly sigh.

I'm hungry...I'm lonesome...
And life is a bore!
But isn't that what
January is for?

No fun at the party,
No longer a riot!
Funny Diet Tips and Jokes
Refrigerator Magnets We Love

If we really are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

I'm out of chocolate and I have a gun.

Eat, drink and be merry - for tomorrow they may cancel your Visa.

Everyone who diets gains in the end.

I am not fat, I am calorically gifted.

Life is unsure, so always eat your dessert first.

You are overweight if you are living beyond your seams.

Diet and exercise to fight hazardous waists.

The Joy of Not Cooking

Exercise, eat right and die anyway.
Funny Diet Tips and Jokes
The Rules of Dieting

  1. There aren't any calories in food on someone else's plate.
  2. You don't gain weight if you eat standing up.
  3. Touching a skinny person gives them all the calories.
Funny Diet Tips and Jokes

Lola says: The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Lola says: I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Lola says: Losing weight is simply a matter of getting your priorities straight. Think of national heroes like George Washington or Abraham Lincoln ...
... not Ben and Jerry.

Lola says: I'm not overweight, I'm just undertall.

Lola says: On a scale of 1 to 10......We'd weigh a lot less!
Funny Diet Tips and Jokes
Reasons Why I Don't Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently attendance is required.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

When it comes to exercise, I prefer lie-downs to sit-ups.

When I'm on a diet, everything makes me think of pizza.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-scoop cone of chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

I am not a glutton. I am an explorer of food. - - Erma Bombeck

A Weight Watcher friend of mine gave up on food and took up crafts. This year she's building a refrigerator with her glue gun.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

My husband is on a seafood diet. Every time he sees food, he eats.

Here's a great way to beat the dieting blues.
When you step on the scale... ...Pretend it's your IQ!
Funny Diet Tips and Jokes
Did You Know This About Water?

  1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
  2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
  3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
  4. One glass of water successfully shut down midnight hunger pains for almost 100% of the dieters in a University of Washington research study.
Funny Diet Tips and Jokes
The Funny Side of Dieting Tips

Never go back for seconds... Get it all the first time.

Set your scales back five pounds.

Never accept a candygram

Don't date Sara Lee.

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.

Never start a diet cold turkey...(maybe cold roast beef, cold lasagna...)

Try to cut back. Leave the cherry off your ice cream sundae.

Hang around people fatter than you. Burp.... Oops, pardon me!

Guttony Loves Company !!

"STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

I'm thinking skinny right now and hope you are, too.
I wish you a very, very happy day.       Surfer Sam

I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.

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