Whether we live in the Mountains, the Bayou, a River Town, Farm Country, Backwoods, on the County Line, Urbania, Suburbia or even Trump Tower, there's a little bit of Redneck in all of us. No hard feelings, y'all. Sasha
Redneck Kinfolk
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba. He's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name. Maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.
"What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
RUMMY REDNECK…
Texas, I Like Your Style
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after last call.
The officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, even though it was a fine, dry summer night. He flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car and put on the flashing lights. He promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
How to Install
A Redneck Home Security System
- Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16.
- Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
- Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
- Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
(signed)Cooter
REDNECK LUNCHBOX
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The Redneck opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck’s wife.
The Redneck’s wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
This Redneck Is a Stud
An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, "Is your mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with mom and dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."
"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
REDNECK RUCKUS
Three women are about to be executed. One's a Doctor, one's a Lawyer, and one's a Redneck.
The guard brings the Doctor forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the Doctor yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the Lawyer forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the Lawyer yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the Redneck has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the Redneck yells, "FIRE!!!"
Lucy Mae: "Bubba, what are you doing?"
Bubba: Nothing.
Lucy Mae:"Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Bubba: "I was looking for the expiration date."
REDNECK LOVE LIFE
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over.
Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook.
If we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy.
When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex.
She called me from Chicago last night.
RANDY REDNECK
One morning Bubba took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself, as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Lucy Mae," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
Lucy Mae shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Happy Trails, y'all...
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
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