Funny Job Jokes and Office Humor with Funny Pictures
My Job is all Funny Business. Yeah, I work with a bunch of monkeys. Is your office as funny as these?
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY."
then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down
from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who just happens to be blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her, " I'm pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss will think I
am "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss
came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home
and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out
of the office.
When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.... )
She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
The 10 best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk....
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You got here just in
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
" I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work related
stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice yoga?"
"Darn, Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken...."
" Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
"...in Jesus' name. Amen"
Always give 100% at work
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday.
And remember, when you're
having a really bad day
and people are trying
to make you mad......
Be careful of the toes
you step on today,
for they may be connected
to the butt you have to
Will Pay Off Later - Laziness Pays off N0W!!
The Optimist fell ten stories.
At each window bar
She shouted to her friends:
"All right so far."
: My boss was named Employee of the Year.
: Well, that shows you what kind of a year it's been.
: A leveraged buyout without the paperwork.
: a self-employed person working 18 hours a day to avoid working 8 hours for someone else.
put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor. -William Simon
: A person who has trained others to discharge his responsibiltiies.
: I'd like to try day trading. I'd start by trading Mondays for Saturdays.
: The art of getting three people to do three people's work.
: I am 100% committed to finishing this project on time, so I'm handing it off to you while I go golf.
: Hey Boss, I couldn't agree more with whatever you're about to say.
: How do I get this picture of my cat as my screensaver?
The Company Mission Statement
Studidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?
an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter Drucker
indicate that, as a result of overwork, modern executives are dropping like flies on the nation's golf courses. - Ira Wallach
On the job
you can accomplish anything you want, if you don't care who takes credit for it.
is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing. - Wernher von Braun
Blessed is he
who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - Alexander Pope 1727
may be bad, but they meet the payroll better than losses.
Yeah, I work with a bunch of monkeys. The names have been changed to protect my job. Here they are, my co-workers, in a nutshell.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom...and has started to dig.
His people would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee should go far...and the sooner she starts, the better.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
She's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
She has a knack for making strangers immediately.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored...she's the other one.
There's a chip off his cubicle, and he's wearing it on his shoulder.
The Tale of Three Parrots
A salesman has three parrots to sell
. The shopper asks him, "How much are your parrots?"
: "The first one is $1,0000"
: "What does he know?"
: "He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve math expressions."
: "How about the second one?"
: "The second parrot costs $2,000."
: "What does he know?"
: "He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve math expressions, and creates computer programs."
: Then, what is the price for the third one?" the buyer wonders.
: "This one costs $20,000."
, excited: "Really? What does this one know?"
: "This parrot knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him "THE BOSS."
I hope life brings you much success. I wish you a very happy day.
----- Surfer Sam