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Funny Medical Jokes and Stories
Doctors and Nurses Tell the Best Jokes
Medicine is the Best Laughter

Surgeon leaving operating room:That was close!
Assistant: What do you mean?
Surgeon: An inch either way and I would have been out of my specialty.  

Patient: Doctor, do you think cranberries are healthy?
Doctor: I've never heard one complain.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery.
Samuel Goldwyn

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
James H. Boren

The Chief Executive of an HMO died and was very relieved that he got into heaven. Of course, he had to check out after 48 hours.

If my doctor told me I had only six months to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
Isaac Asimov

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.
Thomas Fuller 1608-1661

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Doctor to patient: I'm stumped. We'll have to wait for the autopsy.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge HEART covered with flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted later, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted..

Question: Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Answer: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
Wife: "I was in bed."
Doctor: "In bed this early, doing what?"
Wife: "Getting a second opinion!"

Headlines We Love
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

While I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery was a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek.!
Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor. He thought he was going to have to give his sister ALL of his blood in order to save her.

There's No Cure for Dumb

Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went to the doctor’s office?
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears.
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman. "But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Awful," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened to your other ear?"
The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

The Patient Knows Best

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
The doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean the other one enjoys it?

During the New York doctor's strike of 1975, the death rate fell by more than fifteen percent.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Doctor says to patient: You've got to ease up on the sports. You've got jogger's knee, golfer's toe, tennis elbow and - worst of all - boxer's brain.

Curing Patients One Joke at a Time

A man went to see his doctor because he was having trouble with his knee.
Doctor: We have to operate on your knee.
Patient: I think I'll try some alternative medicine.
So he goes to an old Chinese doctor who shakes his head. "Occidental medicine. Operations. Chinese medicine curing people for hundreds of years. We give you acupuncture. Herbs. Leave your knee alone. In two weeks, knee fall off by itself.”

One surgeon to another: Cultural differences aside, doctor, I wish you would stop referring to the patient's organs as giblets.

Prescription Medicine

Doctor: Have you been to another doctor before you came to me?
Patient: No, I went to my pharmacist.
Doctor: That was stupid. What kind of idiotic advice did he give you?
Patient: You're right. He is an idiot. He told me to come see you.

The doctor said I should give up wine, woman and song.
”What, all at once,” I panicked.
The doctor reassured me that I could take it one at a time.
So I told him, I shall immediately give up singing.

Patient: My doctor is great. He has more degrees than a thermometer.

My doctor asked me "Are you on the BBC Diet?"
I asked him,"What's that?"
He said, "BBC. Buy bigger clothes."

Doctor: I'm concerned about your heart murmur.
Patient: I've always had a heart murmur.
Doctor: I know that, but it's started humming.
Patient, alarmed: What's it humming?
Doctor: Nearer my God to thee!

I'm sick of specialists. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, any place you've got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, gynecologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
Alan Prophet

Daffynition: Hypochondriac: One who enjoys poor health.

Senior Patient: Forget the health food, doc. I need all the preservatives I can get.

True friendship is like sound health. The value of it is seldom known until it is lost.

My HMO Should Hear About This

The power of the imagination is a great factor in medicine. It may produce disease in man and in animals and it may cure them... Ills of the body may be cured by physical remedies or by the power of the spirit acting through the soul.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Ingrid Bergman

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him.
"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in.”
“As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem.

A man dies and goes to Heaven.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates he is told "Welcome to Heaven. Everyone is equal here."
The man is then given a tour of Heaven and finds that it is indeed true.
The man decides he's just got to try the food and stands in the cafeteria line.
While he is waiting, a man in green scrubs goes rushing to the front of the line and gets his food ahead of all the others.
"Hey, I thought everyone is equal here. Why did he cut line?"
"Oh, him?" says St Peter, "That's God. He thinks he's a surgeon."

Cure for the Common Cold

When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
Pat: Have you seen a doctor about that cold?
Mike: No, but I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he'd be in good hands. About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn't sure if the cold was really better.
Pat: Did you see my doctor?
Mike: Oh, yeah. He was a really nice guy!
Pat: Well, did he give you something to help your cold?
Mike: Sure did! He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.
Pat, hesitantly: Well, did it help?
Mike: How do I know? I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!

The Doctor Is Always Right

Pat: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.
Mike: And did he?
Pat: "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"

A man visits his doctor with this strange discoloring of his genitals. The doctor was quite amazed. He had never seen such a shade of orange on a man's privates. After a very thorough examination, the befuddled doctor finally confessed he had no ideas.
Doctor: I don't quite understand what is going on here. So tell me what is it you do?
Patient: Not much really.
Doctor: Do you work?
Patient: No I have been laid off for months.
Doctor: Well then, what is it that you do all day?
Patient: Not much really. I sit around, watching pornos and eating Cheetos all day...

Question: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
Answer: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Medical School Pays Off

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, says, "Touch your head." The guy touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?" the patient asks.
"You've broken your finger!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The patient is lying in the recovery room, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor comes in, looking very glum.
Doctor: I can't be sure what's wrong with you. I think it's the drinking."
Patient: Okay, can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Hospital Administrator: Do you mind telling me why you ran away from the operating room?
Patient: Because the nurse said, "Don't be afraid! An appendectomy is quite simple."
Hospital Administrator: So?....
Patient: So?!! She was talking to the doctor.

I hope life brings you much success. I wish you a very happy day.
-----     Surfer Sam  

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