Funny Microsoft Jokes and Stories
Microsoft, It's Always About You! Why did we devote a whole page to jokes about Microsoft? Because no one told us not to. No Hard Feelings, Mr. Softy.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the computer operating systems that have enhanced our lives, read on. At a not very recent COMDEX computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars like this
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and re-open the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
- The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Bill, It's so lonely here without you. Even my computer is down!
How can you tell if a blonde has used your computer?
There's white-out on the screen and the joy stick's wet.
APPLE VERSUS MICROSOFT
Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple techies are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple techies buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple techie.
They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple techies cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple techies don't buy any ticket, at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple techies.
When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple techies cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Apple techies leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A COMPUTER ADDICT WHEN...
You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.
Your firstborn is named dotcom.
You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap... and your
child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
AND DRUM ROLL PLEASE
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
EVENLY SPLITS MICROSOFT;
ONE FIRM TO MAKE SOFTWARE,
OTHER TO MAKE PATCHES
Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive Microsoft Patch Industry
Redmond, Wash. — In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies — one that will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.
Industry analysts argue that providing patches for security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control it.
"Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so that's 1 billion patches," said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. "That is an enormous, undeveloped market."
Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a "mad scramble" among staffers to position themselves for spots at the new company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was "really quite simple."
"Everyone here is asking themselves, 'Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution?'" he said.
"Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or security holes before software is released. They'll just have to be surprised," he said.
"So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft," he added.
I hope life brings you much success. I wish you a very happy day.
----- Surfer Sam