Funny Money !!
Money is the Root of All Humor...

They can't tax you on money you got illegally.

- Al Capone

Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.

- Sam Levenson

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. ~Robert Orben

Money isn't everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

- Alexander Hamilton, first Secretary of the Treasury

Jackie Gleason played Ralph Cramden, when his TV wife Alice wanted to get a job.
Ralph: "Before I let you go to work, I'd rather see you starve. We'll just have to live on our savings."
The practical Alice said: "That'll carry us through the night, Ralph, but what will we do in the morning?"

What were the receipts today in Madison Square Garden?

- dying words of P.T. Barnum

I spend money as if I had it.

- Mike Todd

Lack of money is the root of all evil.

- George Bernard Shaw

I wouldn't say Scottish are misers, but did you know that the Grand Canyon was created by a Scotsman trying to dig up a lost penny?

Bob Newhart once worked in an unemployment office for $60 a week before he realized the unemployed people were getting $55 for just showing up once a week.

There are three things necessary for political victory. The first is money, the second is money, and the third is money.

- Joe Kennedy

I spent so much on the election, I could have got my chauffeur elected.

- Joe Kennedy

Christopher Columbus was looking for a passage to India, but he landed in America. He landed in the wrong place, and when he got back, he wasn't sure where he'd been. But most important of all, he did it on someone else's money.

- Ronald Reagan

Dali the painter once confessed to a pure, vertical, mystical, Gothic love of cash. He and his wife kept separate trunkloads of dollars, Spanish pesetas and French francs all over the house.

In God we trust. All others pay cash.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

Question: Would you marry an old but rich fool?
Answer: How rich?

A billion dollars lasts 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate our government spends it.

The new source of power is not money in the hands of a few, but information in the hands of many.

-John Naisbitt in Megatrends

Work is the price you pay for money.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

"Canada Bill" Jones

How little you know about the age you live in if you think that honey is sweeter than cash in hand.

- Ovid

Wife: I think you only married me because my daddy left me a lot of money.
Husband: That's not true. I don't care who left you the money.

The most important thing in acting is HONESTY. Once you learn to fake that, you're in!

A hypocrite is a man who pays his taxes with a smile.

If goodness is its own reward, shouldn't we get a little something for being naughty?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

A bone or a clam are nicknames for what monetary denomination. Answer: The one dollar bill.

What Wall Street investment do traders call "007"? Answer: A bond.

I'd like to try day trading. I'd start by trading Mondays for Saturdays.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

When you lose money in the stock market, the bulls and bears are not so much to blame as the bum steers.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

- George Bernard Shaw

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

-Marty Allen

Profits may be bad, but they meet the payroll better than losses.

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.

- William Shakespeare

Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it.

I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better.

-Sophie Tucker

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y plus Z, where X is work, Y is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.

- Albert Einstein

I wanted to buy you an expensive birthday gift, but when I checked my chief lending institution I got a horrible shock! My cookie jar only had cookies in it.

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.

- Italian saying

Live as though you had a full cup - Not half full or half empty, but full and running over.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Filthy, Stinking Rich - Well, two out of three ain't bad.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

There are three kinds of people: There are the ones that learn by reading. There are the few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.


A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up b****! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem-customer. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this b**** here is giving you a hard time?"
The lesson of this story: If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Only in America...   do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...   do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Financial Whiz.
I'm Great at Pissing My Money Away.

Driver Carries NO CASH.
Wife and Kids have it all.

Never cosign a loan for nobody. It's easy for them to pocket the money and walk away with it. And even if you do, you're still a bastard.

There are 3 kinds of people. Those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what the hell happened.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE .

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

Trivia. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money.

- Frank Hubbard, 1868-1930

Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.

- Suzanne Necker, 1739-1794

Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes.

- Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900

You don't have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.

- the mother of Barbara Walters

Whoever gets the most money with the least work wins.

If you tell the truth, you’d better have one foot in the stirrup.

Money may be the root of all evil, as they say, but it sure does help with the grocery bills. Talking about money, sex and religion always causes arguments and hard feelings in our family, because no one except me can look at these things objectively. I'm really good at managing money. So far I've saved $25 towards retirement.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope life brings you much success. I wish you a very happy day.     Surfer Sam

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