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From The Outrageous Funny Story Files...
It's Company Policy
Company Policy: Effective Immediately
Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes
and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you
dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore
you do not need a raise. If you dress just right,
you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,
you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad
to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After
your second offense, your picture will be posted on
the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's
mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
The Management Team
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