Funny Sales Jokes
Funny Advertising Jokes
It's All Funny Business When Sam Is On the Job
Sales talk is a secret language, especially when it comes to technology. But we've got the lowdown on advertising talk and sales buzz words. It's all NewSpeak. Here's a translation.
Translation...Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW DESIGN
Translation...Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Translation...Almost as good as the competition.
Translation...Manufacturer's cost were cut to the bone.
Translation...No provision for adjustments.
Translation...The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST!
Translation...Rush job! Nobody knew it was coming.
Translation...We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Translation...Unit on which all parts fit.
DIRECT SALES ONLY
Translation...Factory had big argument with distributor.
Translation...It's different from our competitiors.
Translation...Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
Translation...We finally got one that works.
Translation...Didn't work the first time.
Translation...No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Translation...A different shape and color than the others.
Translation...Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Translation...Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
Translation...Will operate through the warranty period.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS
Translation...Ours, not yours.
Translation...Gives a picture and produces noise.
Translation...We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE
Translation...When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
Translation...Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MILITARY SPEC COMPONENTS
Translation...We got a good deal at a government auction..
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY
Translation...You can return it from most airports.
Translation...Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES
Translation...We finally got it to fit together.
Translation...Does things we can't explain.
LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY
Translation...One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
How many salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "You don't need a new light bulb - you need to upgrade your socket to the newest version."
How many salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it'll take technical support weeks to sort out the mess left behind.
How many salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under him.
How to Sell Insurance
Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd,--it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed,the government pays your beneficiary $6,000.
If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?
How to Sell Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
How to Sell a Cat
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.".
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
How to Sell a Fish
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it... Fish heads... You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green. So the customer buys three.
A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads.
Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
You Might Be a Redneck Sales Person If.....
You Might Be a Redneck Sales Person if ...
- The name of your dog is Commission.
- Your hero is your uncle, an infomercial spokesman.
- You have the company logo tattooed on your forearm.
- You neighbors avoid you on the sidewalk.
- You pester your minister for referrals.
- You send product coupons with your Christmas cards.
- You don't feel right swimming without your cell phone.
- Hanging out at the convenience store waiting for lottery winners is considered prospecting.
- Jehovah witnesses close their drapes when they spot you.
- Your spouse will only introduce friends to you by their first name.
- You drop a business card in the church collection plate.
- You mix up the travel briefcase with your bigger briefcase of customer brochures.
- Your car lease has higher payments than your home.
- You buy deodorant and indigestion tablets by the caseload.
- The Neighborhood Watch Committee has you on its list.
- Your local gas station gives you free breathe mints with every gas tank fill-up.
- You car always has two extra spare tires.
- You purchase pens in bulk, every week.
- You go to the cemetery to get your prospects elegant flower gifts.
- Your kid's allowance is based on commissions earned.
- The church has banned you from receiving their membership address directory.
- The Chamber of Commerce will blacklist you if you introduce yourself.
- Pigeons have made your car their favorite neighborhood target.
- You car has radar for spotting bikes, baby carriages, and kids' toys.
- 25 years ago, you got two fingers for peace. Now you only get one.
Jokes in the Sales Office
The boss of a large company says to his trainee : "I'm transferring you to the northern office"
The trainee says : "But that place is full of whores and football players!"
The boss replies : "My wife used to live there!"
The trainee quickly responds: "Really? What position does she play?"
How to Start a Small Advertising Business
A man goes to his bank manager and says, "I'd like to start a small advertising business. How do I go about it?"
The bank manager leans back, clasps his hands together on his gut and replies, "Buy a big one and wait."
How to Sell Newspapers
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper.
The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
How to Sell Land
A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
“That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”
“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”
How to Beg for Sales
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one has the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.”
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”
How to Sell Well
An optimist and a pessimist combined their resources and went into business together.
Sales were fantastic, and after the first three months the optimist was elated. "What a great beginning. Customers love our products, and we're selling more every week."
"Sure," replied the pessimist, "but if things keep going like this, we'll have to order more inventory."
- Bob: I'm an independent salesman.
Bob: Yes. I take orders from no one.
- There is no special relation between what you want and what you need, and this makes selling interesting.
- Sales Ad at a Store: 'You are my one and only' valentine cards, now on sale: 4 for $5.”
- Treat every customer as if the world revolves around them.
- The dearer a thing is, the cheaper as a general rule we sell it. Samuel Butler 1835-1902
- The team on top of the mountain didn't just fall there.
- "In this job, you have only two choices: you are either funny deliberately or you are funny unintentionally."
-- Henry Kissinger
- No problem can withstand the sustained power of great attitudes. They are like ripples in the water...they spread.
- It's never crowded along the extra mile.
- Didja know? In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
- Life Question: Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
- Two blondes walk into a building. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
How to Sell a Naked Nun
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"
A voice answers, "A blind salesman."
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"
How to Sell a Parrot
A man has three parrots to sell. Someone asks him, "How much are your parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,0000"
"What does he know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve math expressions."
"How about the second one?"
"The second parrot costs $2,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve math expressions, and creates computer programs."
Then, what is the price for the third one?" the buyer wonders.
"This one costs $20,000."
"Really?" wonders the excited buyer.
"What does this one know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him "THE BOSS."
How to Sell a Broken Comb
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack.
Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."
How to Sell Shoes to a Native
Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets.
Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"
How to Sell a Car
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager from a major car company are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
How to Sell Replacement Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole
year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line , so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
How to Sell a Fish Hook
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I"ll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!!, Our sales people average 20 to30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HECK DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, Then I sold him a medium fish hook, Then I sold him a larger fish hook, Then I sold him a new fishing rod, Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!!!"
Advertising Jokes. Why Your Ad Campaign Bombed
- Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
- The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
- In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
- Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
- The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be empty."
- An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope", in Spanish the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
- When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets as the Caribe.
- When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
- In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Sales and Advertising Jokes
You Might Be a Sales Person If...
- You refer to dating as test marketing.
- When you bought a new house you called your fellow alumni and offered to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.
- Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."
- When you give your son his birthday present, you must say that it has an "unprecedented performance".
- When you describe a product as "maintenance-free" you mean that it is impossible to fix it.
- You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
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