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 There's a Little Bit of Redneck in All of Us | |||
Whether we live in the Mountains, the Bayou, a River Town, Farm Country, Backwoods, on the County Line, Urbania, Suburbia or even Trump Tower, there's a little bit of Redneck in all of us. No hard feelings, y'all. Sasha
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14. Down home, folks now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted. The minimum drinking age down home has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. Down home, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries. How can you tell if a redneck is married? There's tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck. Down home, we've got a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. Recently, the Governor's Mansion burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park. The best thing to ever come out of my hometown is Interstate 40. A State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Boutwhat?" this is the google table You Know Your Church Is Redneck if...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. When they learn that Jesus fed 5000 people with two fish, folks ask whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!) The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as "branding". High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink". "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?" Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Professional Hillbilly Engineer Exam We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people down home are. We challenge any so-called smart Know-It-All to take this exam administered by the "Southern States Professional HILLBILLY Engineer Licensing Department." 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet, a '67 Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO. Support your answer. 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. You Might Be a Redneck if...You take your dog for a walk and both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You have a rag for a gas cap. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. And last, but not least... Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is! Happy Trails, y'all...
You're visiting Surfer Sam and Friends Online Magazine, a free public service. We're dishing up funny jokes, famous quotes and sage advice. We've also got free ecards - Surfer Cards - for you to email. So enjoy yourself here. Chill out and relax. Laugh a lot. Meet the gang. And thanks for helping out, mate. Life's a beach! Rednecks Rule. There's a little bit of redneck in all of us. Funny redneck jokes and funny redneck pictures. |
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