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Funny Lawyer Jokes
Funny Lawyers, Attorneys, Judges, Courtrooms and Trials
The Jokes Are Funny. You Be the Judge!



Funny Lawyers and Judges Match Wits, Court is in session. I've got some great lawyer jokes with funny attorneys, judges, trials, courtrooms and witnesses. Barristers and solicitors are also included. You be the judge!


These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had to keep a straight face while the exchanges were taking place.

Funny Lawyer Jokes. Witnesses Have Perfect Recall


Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year
________________________________________

Lawyer: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
________________________________________

Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
________________________________________

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
________________________________________

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
________________________________________

Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
________________________________________

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: What disco am I at?
________________________________________

Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________

Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
________________________________________

Lawyer: Were you present when your picture was taken?
________________________________________

Lawyer: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
________________________________________

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
________________________________________

How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________

Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
________________________________________

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
________________________________________

Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
________________________________________

funny lawyer jokesLawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
_____________________________________

Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case
and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor.
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
_____________________________________

Funny Lawyer Jokes. Guilty As Charged


funny lawyer jokes A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Funny Lawyer Jokes. I Stand Corrected


A very successful lawyer was the richest man in town. One day he got a phone call. It was from the head of the local charities.

After the priliminaries was heard, "Sir, we've been going our records and we've found we have no record of you ever donating anything, not a cent, to any charity, yet you are the richest man in town and surely could afford it."

The lawyer replied, sounding offended, "Yes, I have not sent money! Did you know my poor dear mother has a terminal case of cancer and has no health insurance to cover her tremondous bills!"

Taken aback, the man replied, "A .. no, sir, I didn't."

"And furthermore, my brother was in a terrible automobile accident and is paralyzed from the neck down, and he has no insurance either."

"I'm so sorry!"

"My sister's husband lost his job and they have no money to raise their five kids."

"Sir I didn't know you had all these relatives to take..."

Before he could finish, the lawyer cut in, "If I didn't help any of them, do you think I'm going to give any money to you?!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Funny Lawyer Jokes. The Prosecution Rests


One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But, sir, I have an wife and six children!", the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as a limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two inches tall."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Q: Why is New Jersey filled with toxic waste dumps and California filled with lawyers?
A: New Jersey got first pick!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Funny Lawyer Jokes. Moot Court


funny court gavelAfter their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Funny Lawyer Jokes. Court Is Adjourned


It's not a perfect system, but it's the only one we've got. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. And you can take my word for it. Some of my best friends have had their day in court. ~ TAYLOR


I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.

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