Lawyer, attorney, judges, courtroom laughs. Barristers and solicitors are also included. The jokes are great. You be the judge!
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The Joke's On us
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"It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made
the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery."
--Samuel Goldwyn
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"Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief."
--Franz Kafka
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"When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice."
--Lin Yutang
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Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
--W.C. Fields
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Today you can be as happy as you want to be.
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Attorneys and Judges Match Wits
Court is in session. I've got some great lawyer jokes, attorney jokes and courtroom jokes. Barristers and solicitors are also included. You be the judge!
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had to keep a straight face while the exchanges were taking place.
  PERFECT RECALL
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
forgotten?
________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
________________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
________________________________________
 Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
________________________________________
How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
________________________________________
 Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
_____________________________________
| Judge: | "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case
and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." |
|
Husband: | "That's fair, your honor.
I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself." |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
| ____________________________________________
 GUILTY AS CHARGED
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within
minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask
any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body
shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the
elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I STAND CORRECTED
A very successful lawyer was the richest man in town. One day he got a
phone call. It was from the head of the local charities.
After the priliminaries was heard, "Sir, we've been going our records and
we've found we have no record of you ever donating anything, not a cent,
to any charity, yet you are the richest man in town and surely could
afford it."
The lawyer replied, sounding offended, "Yes, I have not sent money! Did
you know my poor dear mother has a terminal case of cancer and has no
health insurance to cover her tremondous bills!"
Taken aback, the man replied, "A .. no, sir, I didn't."
"And furthermore, my brother was in a terrible automobile accident and
is paralyzed from the neck down, and he has no insurance either."
"I'm so sorry!"
"My sister's husband lost his job and they have no money to raise their
five kids."
"Sir I didn't know you had all these relatives to take..."
Before he could finish, the lawyer cut in, "If I didn't help any of
them, do you think I'm going to give any money to you?!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
THE PROSECUTION RESTS
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other
man.
"But, sir, I have an wife and six children!", the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as a limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two
inches tall."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Q: Why is New Jersey filled with toxic waste dumps and California filled
with lawyers?
A: New Jersey got first pick!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
MOOT COURT
 After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a
night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them,
said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep
in the barn.
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed
and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and
apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for
religious reasons he could not sleep there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his
bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned
complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep
there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up
his bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it,
there were the cows and the pig.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli
general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive
front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants.
When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how
to charge."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
COURT IS ADJOURNED!
It's not a perfect system, but it's the only one we've got. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
And you can take my word for it; some of my best friends have had their day in court. TAYLOR
You're visiting Surfer Sam and Friends Online Magazine. We're dishing up funny jokes, famous quotes and sage advice. We've also got free ecards - Surfer Cards. So enjoy yourself here. Chill out and relax. Laugh a lot. Meet the gang. And thanks for helping out, mate. Life's a beach!
Lawyers, attorneys, judges, courtrooms are lots of laughs. Barristers and solicitors are also included. The jokes are great. You be the judge!
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